“Hair-spray”

So… in what may seem like an unrelated storyline… I took the girls to get back-to-school haircuts yesterday. Usually I do this one at a time, but I was feeling especially brave and took all three simultaneously. After we checked in we had to sit down and wait our turn for awhile. And, that’s when the girls saw the disturbing scene. 

A hair mannequin head being rolled out on a cart. 

Now, I’ve seen this done before for the purpose of practicing cuts and color and what not. But, I have to admit, this dummy was particularly life-like. 

They were awestruck.

Wide-eyed, the Toddler gasped and said, “That lady don’t have a body!”

Even the older two girls were concerned. “What is that??” “Kuh-reepy!” 

We tried not to stare because obviously there was some real practice going on, but the girls could not keep their eyes off the head {which appeared to be having a cut and color service performed on it}. 

The Toddler’s questions and observations continued, “Are they gonna put her back to normal?” {I’m afraid the answer to that is negative}

“They haven’t fixed her body yet.” {I don’t think that’s on the agenda}

It was all very distressing to them. But, I’m so glad we timed our visit accordingly because it was free entertainment while we waited. 

Only now “The Legend of No Noggin” may take on new meaning and become a bit scarier since we’ve seen a lone “noggin” with our very own eyes.

The hair place was next door to a tanning place, as is often the case. And, that prompted all sorts of other questions about what happens in a tanning salon. It’s very hard to explain to children exactly how a tanning bed works. But, I could easily explain the ins and outs of a spray tan because I’ve had many a mishap with one. I won’t bore anyone with the details of my first couple of spray visits except to say that it’s important to remember that the tan continues to get darker for several hours after you leave {which is why I had a Hawaiian tone rather than my typical Scandinavian tone at my own wedding}. But, my most recent one was two summers ago just days before my brother’s wedding. My skin is nearly translucent and prone to sun damage, so I don’t ever intentionally tan. But, I thought it would be fun to get a light spray tan before his Floridian wedding so as not to blind anyone with my legs.

So, on our way out of town we stopped at a local tanning place that advertised a great deal on a spray tan package and in I went. I carefully read all the instructions on the procedure and asked the attendant several questions before going into the machine. I had read up on all the pros and cons and felt like this was a very safe alternative to a real tan. 

Unfortunately, I didn’t account for the fact that the spray itself is ice cold. So, though the automated voice is very calm and gives you an adequate countdown until the spraying begins, I was unprepared. I can still hear her saying, “5, 4, 3, 2, …

Then at “1” I gasped and sucked in at least half of the spray directly into my lungs. I tried to calm myself and get it together before I had to turn and prepare for the back spray, but the exact same thing happened when the countdown reached one. And, again I inhaled an exorbitant amount of spray. 

Basically, my breathing was so erratic that I all but had a panic attack there in the fancy machine. And, all I could do was pray to survive the final couple of sprays. 

Somehow, I did just that. Though traumatized and probably at an increased risk of developing chemical pneumonia, I got out of there alive and slightly darker than when I entered. 

Was it worth it? My lungs would have me say no. 

But, it made for a great story to tell the girls about what happens inside for those who dare enter the spray tanning machine. And, it also reminded me of what I think may have been one of the best Friends episodes of all time: “Ross’s Spray Tan”: