I’ve been struggling lately with how to best discipline the girls. They haven’t been doing anything particularly worrisome, but we’re dealing with a lot of unnecessary whining, disobeying, and yelling. And, the Toddler is still capable of throwing an impressive tantrum if the mood strikes her. Since I’m often trying to balance taking care of the Baby’s needs with refereeing the older two, my main concern with all of this behavior is that if I/we don’t do something about it now, it could easily lead to a general atmosphere of chaos {mutiny} around here, especially at bedtime. So, I want to have a plan… some sort of strategy for teaching them to respect our authority, respect each other, and bring it down a few notches on the general intensity level.
Last year I attempted to implement an incentive system using a sticker chart for the Preschooler. It worked well for a few weeks, and then she lost interest in it. And, I lost count of the stickers and grew tired of thinking up creative incentives. But, I decided last week that we should try a sticker program again and see if it might work better with both girls participating this go-round. I also simplified the system: throughout the day they can each earn stickers for doing things like playing well together, having a good {peaceful} lunch, having a good {peaceful} bath time, being gentle with the Baby, etc. And, I have little rewards for five stickers, ten stickers, and twenty stickers.
I don’t know if I’m being unrealistic in my expectations or too stingy with my sticker dispensing, but the sad, sad state of affairs is that it has taken both of them over a week to earn five stickers each. Maybe it all went wrong when I started taking stickers away if they did something negative… for example, if the Preschooler hit the Toddler over the top of the head with a book for not wanting to play school with her. Because she did, and I just feel like that deserved a consequence.
Complicating matters… the Toddler has been having a great deal of trouble controlling her tongue. I know, don’t we all? Her default method of expressing frustration, disappointment, or anger is to get verbal in an ugly way. And, in this season, she has a few choice words that we’re trying to eliminate from her 3-year old vocabulary. You can see them here on our chalkboard wall with a little tally of how many times she used each forbidden word yesterday:
The board says it all. The most common offenders are:
hate {Used in reference to anything I ask her to do that she’d rather not do at that moment; she may “hate” cleaning up, putting her shoes on, getting in her carseat, etc. If she doesn’t want to do something, she “hates” it.}
nasty {Used as an adjective describing everything from the Cheerios she requests for breakfast to the sauce on her pasta at dinner. Also sometimes used as a stand-alone word for purposes of insult.}
stupid {Much like “hate,” this word is used in reference to things she doesn’t want to do. For example, swimming across the pool to fetch a ball so she can practice her swim stroke is “stupid.”}
Growling is not a word she uses, but rather a thing she does when she’s especially mad at us or her sister. To say the least, it’s not very becoming.
So, here we have our sticker charts and our word tally, and yet I have no idea what {if any?} good is being accomplished by either of these systems. In fact, the systems themselves are backfiring on me. I have caught the Preschooler trying to add a sticker to her chart, AND yesterday the Toddler erased a few of her tally marks and informed me that she was going to write my name on the board for “being a bad momma.”
If only she knew how to spell “momma”…
Sigh.
Basically, I’m feeling defeated. I want to raise our children in the “grace and admonition of the Lord.” I want our home to be a place of peace and beauty and harmony. I want our girls to treat each other with gentleness and respect. I want us to instill values and virtues in them that will help them live well and love well.
But, here’s what has happened. My children were born sinful. And, to make matters worse, I have an ongoing problem with sin, too {sometimes exacerbated by the challenges of parenting}. And, when sin clashes with sin, it’s ugly. Actually… to quote the Toddler, “It’s nasty.”
Apart from grace… His, and in turn, ours… we’d all be in one hot mess.
I know this to be true. I just don’t know how to apply it to my parenting. And, this is the point at which I welcome suggestions and insights on how to best discipline little bitty people with strong wills, smart mouths, and incredible amounts of energy.
This is also the point at which I admit my need for a visual reminder to slow down and enjoy the memories we’re making every day even as they’re being made. I saw a poem on Pinterest last week, and I knew it needed to be in a spot where I would read it several times a day. So, I typed out the poem, added a silhouette and printed this off for immediate placement in a frame.
Hopefully this will remind me to pray for patience… and perspective.
Meanwhile, the phone lines are open for your insights and suggestions.
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