What now?

As I type this post today my mouth is numb on the left side. Apparently a need for extensive dental work {performed by the world’s most patient and gentle dentist} is a potential side effect of turning forty. Apart from a few more fine lines, varicose veins, and my new dental fillings, I don’t feel any older than I did a year ago. But, I have to admit something about settling into this magic age has made me take pause when I think about what I want to do in the coming years. A few months ago I heard a quote by the late Dallas Willard that I’m still mulling over:

The most important thing in your life is not what you do; it’s who you become. That’s what you will take into eternity.

This year has been a transitional one for our family. For the past decade I’ve had a child at home with me most days of the week. But since the fall of this past year all three girls have been in school most every weekday. I knew this season was coming and looked forward to many of the freedoms that would accompany it. I just didn’t anticipate the doubts that would also arise when I settled into this new place. I guess transitioning from one role to another can spark something of an identity crisis in us. As our roles and responsibilities change, we naturally reevaluate our plans and even our purpose.

“What are you going to do now?,” has been the resounding question not only from others but one I ask myself as well. How will I spend my time, the bonus “school day” hours in my week, in ways that matter? Basically I’m still wondering, “What am I going to be when I grow up?”

Well, it’s late April. I’ve had eight months to ponder the matter, and and I still don’t have a good answer for that question. I volunteer at the school more. I do some work for the Spouse. I write in this space and do some freelance jobs. I fill my days with projects, errands, meetings, and tasks that keep our house and family in working order. I’m not bored. But, I’m restless. And in the back of my mind my pride is clamoring for a title.

I know sometimes the transitional seasons are not as much a dilemma because the next right step is natural or even necessary. Return to the workforce. Pursue the promotion. Go back to school. Pick up a new hobby. Begin volunteering. But because we are small business owners in the healthcare industry where the hours and expectations are somewhat unpredictable, this doesn’t feel like the right season for me to return to full-time employment or pursue more education. My job of chauffeur, cook, homework helper, and personal assistant begins each afternoon when I pick the girls up from school. And right now it makes the most sense for me to be available to them during those hours as much as I can physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Of course, I know that role has impact. It just doesn’t always feel like it does in the moment {particularly the more heated moments}. I’m driving the car, serving the snacks, fielding the questions, refereeing the fights, calling out the spelling words, but sometimes without much thought or heart. Dallas Willard offered wisdom on this front again when he said:

God has yet to bless anyone except where they actually are, and if we faithlessly discard situation after situation, moment after moment, as not being ‘right,’ we will simply have no place to receive his kingdom into our life.

I want to be fully where I am. And, I sure don’t want to miss receiving his kingdom into my life, even the most ordinary days of my life when I’m driving a minivan across town and literally throwing granola bars and juice pouches over my shoulder to hungry passengers in the backseat.

Maybe you can relate from a different vantage point of changing roles? Maybe you just left the workforce to stay home with a baby. Maybe you’re a new empty nester. Maybe you’re stepping down or back from a role you’ve played for years. You recently retired. Wish you could retire. Just graduated. Changed jobs. Feel discontent in your current job. Spend your days caring for an ailing or aging family member.

No matter what season we find ourselves in it feels easier to focus on what we’re doing {or not doing} than on who we’re becoming. When you go to a party or a family reunion or meet someone for the first time, it’s rare for the small talk to turn toward questions like, “How are you spending your time? What inspires you? What are you reading? Who are you being influenced by?” No. The questions are far more often a pointed, “What are you majoring in?” or “What do you do for a living?”

I’m not suggesting that our professions don’t matter. Our jobs and all of our “doing” certainly shape us and make a difference in the lives of others. It’s just that our culture elevates doing over becoming. We’re more interested in accomplishments and accolades than the slow work of transformation. Generally, it’s a lot easier to talk about what we do than who we hope to become.

For all those reasons, I find the words by Willard at the top of this post to be incredibly encouraging. And maybe they can be for you as well.

It’s not what we do, though that is significant. It’s who we become that really matters.

The girls, who are all three enamored by their teachers, continue to stay on me about why I don’t work in the field of education. Most recently the 3rd Grader has asked, “Why can’t you at least be a substitute teacher?”

Me: Well… because that’s just not my thing, dear.

Her: What is your thing?

That’s still to be determined. The jury has been in deliberation about that for quite some time.

But, this I know for sure. My “thing” and your “thing” is only one small part of who we are.

I think it’s possible that in the very seasons where we most doubt our “things” or what we’re doing or what we’re going to do next, we’re still in the process of becoming more of who we’re meant to be. And, maybe that truth alone can propel us forward with a little more pep in our still sometimes uncertain step.