Yesterday was a typically hectic morning trying to get everyone out the door and into the car to head to school. I don’t remember being particularly hateful about any one thing. But, my tone or body language must have communicated that my frustration level was high because about halfway to school the Kindergartener asked me, “Did you just want two kids?”
Ugh. What a blow. My youngest child thinks she’s an unwanted extra.
Of course I immediately answered her back, “Goodness, no. I wanted three! I’m one of three kids. Your daddy is one of three kids. We always wanted three. And, we’re so glad to have all three of you!”
And, with that she smiled and seemed reassured.
Conversations like that remind me how important my language and attitude is even when I don’t think I’m being heard or watched. My youngest knows she exasperates me some days. So obviously, there is room for improvement in the way I communicate to these girls about how loved they are.
Today is International Women’s Day. I’m not one to be political or to even acknowledge “holidays” of this sort. But, I thought it might be a good day to think about a few other things I hope I’m communicating to these girls as they grow into young women.
The value of connection.
Time management has never been my strong suit. And, I’m an introvert. If I look at the week ahead on my calendar and see several appointments and events, I can tell myself the week is too full for nurturing relationships outside of my immediate family. But, all it takes is one coffee or lunch date with a friend to remind me that being present with people in real time is always worth the effort. Nowadays it’s easier than ever to believe we are “in touch” because we’re plugged in and only a text away from hundreds of our closest contacts. But, nothing can ever replace the joy of connecting or reconnecting with people face to face. Whether it be an old friend or a new friend, life is better lived in conversation over coffee or chicken salad than hovered over a screen and status updates.
Friendship matters. We have to nurture it with intentionality.
The value of art.
In early December the Spouse and I went on a whirlwind fortieth birthday trip to New York City. The hands-down highlight of our forty-eight hours there was seeing Hamilton on Broadway. The way Lin Manuel Miranda has brought history to life with such creativity and musicality is truly incredible. I don’t know how anyone could leave unaffected by the energy and raw emotion of that show.
Just this past weekend the 5th Grader and I went to a local dance ensemble performance. When the dancers performed a piece they choreographed and performed in Connecticut as a tribute to the Sandy Hook victims, I had to swallow back tears. It may not be a Broadway stage, but even these young girls are capable of training their bodies to communicate hope and beauty through art.
I read an article last week discussing how “children need art and stories and poems and music as much as they need love and food and fresh air and play.” I nodded in agreement and shared the article. The truth is, I often forget that we adults need it just the same. We talk a lot about keeping our minds sharp and our bodies in shape, but sometimes we forget our souls need attention, too.
Art matters. We have to value it and find ways to enjoy it.
The value of affirmation.
I have followed the story of a couple named Jay and Katherine Wolf for the past ten years or so. Katherine had a major stroke in her mid-twenties that left her severely disabled. Yet, she and her husband and two children have turned what could have been a devastating story into one of hope and healing. Today they have a ministry called “Hope Heals” and they candidly share their story and their struggles as they speak at conferences and events around the world. {You can read about them here: hopeheals.com}
A few weeks ago she shared this thought:
“We must tell our daughters that we are pleased with them, that we are delighted they are in our lives and in our world, and that God sees them as his beloved daughters. It’s important to use deeply inclusive language so that they know they have an important place in our family and God’s family. The words after Christ’s baptism, “You are my beloved son with whom I am well pleased” are so powerful. Our children need to hear the same, “I am so pleased with you–there’s nothing you can do to change how I feel about you.”
I know this, but I don’t often practice this. My daughters hear a lot from me, no doubt! But, it’s far more often instruction or correction than it is affirmation. I think people like Katherine who have undergone tremendous suffering have special wisdom to offer us.
Affirmation matters. We need to dole it out more often.
The value of smallness.
There is much talk in the media and in our culture today about strong women. And, I don’t want to take anything away from the movement toward equality and justice and rights for women in the workforce and in the world at large. I wholeheartedly believe in the strength and significance of women.
But, I think we sometimes turn our attention toward those at the top or those with a microphone or platform and accidentally overlook the contributions of those who are quietly and gently influencing the world behind-the-scenes.
I know of two secretaries who have passed away in the past year. Both of those losses left gaping holes in the organizations where they were employed. These women weren’t the face or the voice of their work place, but they were tirelessly and cheerfully doing their thing in the background to keep everyone and everything organized and running smoothly. The email informing everyone of the most recent one’s passing ended with this line, ” {Her} kind and cheerful heart and loving spirit will be greatly missed; it was an honor to have a woman with such high integrity as a part of this community. She was an inspiration to us all.”
The position or platform may have appeared small, but the ripple effect of the impact and influence was tremendous.
I’m fascinated by seeing or hearing women in their eighties and nineties talk about their lives. So many of them, at least here in the South, grew up with very little and helped take care of kids or farms or businesses from adolescence on. Their work ethic puts mine to shame. But, most fascinating to me is the way a great number of them spent the majority of their lives fixing food for people; for their families, their neighbors, their circles, their churches. And, they’re not bitter about all that time spent in the kitchen. In fact, they seem more joyful and at peace than many in my own generation.
This is a quote I saw this week from an 80-year-old describing her mother: “There were eleven of us kids and my mama was a strong woman having to prepare meals for that many every day. She was so joyful though, probably the happiest woman I’ve ever known. She would go around singing hymns as she worked. She told me once she was the richest woman in the world.”
Unbelievable.
I want my girls to know they can be a surgeon or a senator. A president or a playwright. An attorney or an analyst. There is value in pride and great purpose in any and all of those professions. I just hope they realize, as Dallas Willard often said, that “it’s not what they’re achieving but who they’re becoming that matters.” And, when you’re kind and cheerful and loving your influence can be huge regardless of your title or talent or platform.
Everyone matters. Small acts done well make a big difference.
Raising kids in 2018 is a challenge. Raising daughters feels especially challenging. It is simultaneously my hardest work and my greatest honor. Here’s to all the women I know and the daughters we’re bringing up.
We Can Do It!
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