Picture perfect

Do you ever get tired of your own weakness? I have a nagging problem with perfectionism. Much like someone battling a chemical addiction has to resist a drink or a drug, I have to resist the temptation to try to make everything in and around me just right.

I like for our house to be neat and de-cluttered. I want the girls to wear clothes that match, the dog to be groomed, and the dinner to be fairly healthy. I want us to all be smiling and in color-coordinated outfits for family pictures. I like parties with themes and organized photo books that document vacations and holidays. I have been known to spend way too much time searching for the right gift, trying to complete some magazine-worthy project around the house, or attempting to plan the perfect trip. Somewhere deep down inside me I believe the lie that if I can just accomplish “all the things” well, I will be more worthy of approval and affection.

Honestly, it’s a wonder I ever finish a blog post.

I don’t know that perfectionism is a curse; but I don’t believe it’s a virtue or a strength. Mine at least, is rooted in pride and performance and often driven by fear. It gives me a false sense of control and a misguided sense of worth. And, it means small worries and insignificant pursuits can distract me from focusing time and energy on the big picture goal of being authentic and fully present to the people around me. It’s an obstacle to loving God and loving others well.

“Perfectionism is a twenty ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” — Brene Brown

I came across an old picture this week that makes me think about what I’m teaching the girls with my words and actions. This is the photo:

I’m the one on the right and my sister is on the left, but I hardly recognize either of us. First off, I’m wearing sweat pants with a button-down. All business on the top {aviators and an oxford}, all gym class on the bottom {sweats and well-worn kicks}. And, I’m carrying a backpack half as big as myself. Most interestingly, though, I’m standing like I know who I am and as if I like who I am, confident in my choice of clothing and accessories and clearly not plagued by any debilitating perfectionism. Who is that girl?

If I’m honest, I want my daughters to be more like the girl in that picture than the woman I often am today. Each year as they grow older, I know they are more prone to be shaped by the attitudes and behaviors the people around them are modeling. So, when I lose my mind about the decluttered state of our house, or overreact because someone forgot their homework, or flip out because our holiday centerpiece isn’t up to par with one I saw on Pinterest… this is not what I want them to think life is about.

The Lord in His wisdom gave me three children close together in age, and nothing has been more humbling for one who expects her days and/or her plans to go smoothly. My youngest is particularly good therapy because she has absolutely no time for the nonsense of perfectionism. She lives only in the moment, and she is wherever she is expressly to have a good time. She doesn’t care how her room looks, or how she looks for that matter. She has far more important things to do than obsess over boring details. There are scooters to ride, starfish to rescue, pictures to paint, and birdhouses to make. And she intends to do all of the aforementioned things not with perfection, but with passion.

Here’s where I see hope… I’m becoming more and more OK with that. It’s a little bit unsettling, but it’s also a little liberating. 

Over the past few months I’ve been hearing and thinking more about what it means to be a creator. Children are naturally good at this, but most of us do it less and less as we get older. Whether it be some sort of art or a blog post, I’m happier and healthier when I sit down and make something using my hands or my head. {There are a few qualifiers here. I don’t need to make clothes or quilts or fancy food}. But as people who are made in the image of a creative God, I think it’s possible He designed all of us to be most fully alive when we’re creating something: be it a cake, a sale, a business plan, a lesson plan, a story, or a piece of art.

One day this week after school the 1st Grader got her paint set out and sat down to paint a bunny. I’m usually stressed about the mess she makes and rarely join her, but something about watercolors sounded more appealing than the laundry and dinner prep. So I sat down and painted with her. She produced a bunny in no time and was off to another activity.

Thirty minutes later I got one done, too. I’m no Bob Ross and certainly no Picasso, but I can do an imperfect bunny:

In these weeks that lead up to Easter I hope maybe a few bunny paintings and an old picture will remind me to loosen up on the reigns I hold so tight. I believe God is glorified when we do things with excellence. But I wonder if it’s possible that He is also glorified when we do—or we create–imperfect things with the right heart. Maybe He delights just as much, or even more, in our unfiltered old pictures with sweatpants and muddy tennis shoes as He does in our best-dressed, most curated versions of ourselves.

Only One is perfect. And His perfection—not our perfectionism— is enough for all of us.

“Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners and paved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restore us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.” —  Romans 3:23-25 (The Message)