Hi, my name is Hollie, and I’m a (recovering) perfectionist.
I like for our house to be neat and de-cluttered. When we go out with friends or to church on Sundays, I like for the girls to have matching clothes and bows in their hair. I want us to all be smiling and our outfits to be color-coordinated for family pictures. I like to have cute themes for parties and organized photo books to document vacations and holidays. I have been known to spend way too much time searching for the “perfect” gift, trying to complete some “perfect” project around the house, or attempting to plan the “perfect” trip. Honestly, it’s a wonder I ever finish a blog post.
I’ve allowed perfectionism to ease its way into countless areas of my life. And, because of that, I’ve often missed out on opportunities and probably robbed myself of a lot of joy along the way. Growing up I took all manner of lessons: violin, piano, voice, tennis, etc. I was decent at most of these endeavors, but not a master at any of them. And, so, over time… I gave up. I didn’t want to keep pursuing violin if I wasn’t ever going to be first-string in an orchestra. I didn’t want to keep practicing piano if I couldn’t play like the most gifted accompanists. Why sing if you don’t have a voice like Barbara Streisand or a range like Mariah Carey? And, I didn’t want to spend too much time on tennis if I wasn’t going to be good enough for a scholarship.
In retrospect, I wasted a lot of time worrying about how far short I might be falling of perfection, when that should have never been the goal in the first place. I ignored Henry Van Dyke’s famous words of wisdom: “Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.” Basically, I was fine with the woods being quiet.
As an adult, I continue to struggle with perfectionism and am still frequently tempted to compare myself to others and set ridiculously high standards for myself and everyone around me. I’m a joy to be around in those moments.
Some days, though, I can see subtle improvement. Because, here’s what I see happening: I’m losing my grip on perfectionism.
Young children aren’t perfectionists. In fact, they sabotage perfectionism. They spill things, they cry about things, they fight with each other, they have meltdowns and tantrums… and, they do all of this at the most inopportune of times. They don’t care if they’re late. They don’t care how they look. And, they don’t care what others think.
And, so, therefore, nothing we do is perfect.
The remarkable thing is… I’m (becoming) OK with that. It’s a little bit unsettling, but it’s also a little bit liberating.
Here’s the other thing I’m realizing. Perfectionism isn’t scriptural, at least not in the way we define it. The kind of perfectionism I struggle with is rooted in pride and self-absorption and driven by things like fear, self-determination, and performance. It gives me a false sense of control and a misguided sense of purpose. In my quest for perfection I fail to acknowledge that I am hopelessly lost and incapable of any good thing apart from Christ. And, I allow all sorts of small worries and insignificant pursuits to detract me from focusing my time and energies on the bigger calling: serving God and loving others, in spite of my imperfections and theirs.
So, I’m working on it. And, my children have no idea how effectively they are chiseling away at my misguided dream of perfection with every little spill, every tantrum, and every poorly timed meltdown.
Where I’m incapable of perfection, God is generous with the good gift of children to redirect me and the greatest gift of Christ to redeem me.
Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.
(Romans 3:23-25; The Message)
You are not alone in your pursuit of the unrealistic, Hollie. I too have been working on dismantling my own perfectionism lately!
I read a really insightful article the other day that said to write a list of the things you do and the things you don't, before you judge yourself too harshly. Making the choice to NOT do something is important, almost as important as choosing to do some things. Put in that perspective, I think it frees us up to stop judging ourselves so harshly and instead commend ourselves for our overall efforts!
So you may not have the crafty gene, but you sure nailed the artistic one. And your girls always look perfect to me, since I'm lucky to get a hair bow near my little princess. To each her own! I'll sew your buttons if you'll lend me your designer's eye. Perhaps we should view the world as a co-op endeavor? ;o)
I think I need to read that article. And, I like the co-op idea. I may be in touch with you about some buttons soon 🙂