The Spouse was playing with the girls yesterday afternoon and decided he would show Toddler 2 how to better care for her baby doll.
Daddy: Come over here, and I’ll show you how to swaddle this baby.
Toddler 1 (overhearing this conversation): No, Daddy! You can’t swallow the baby. You’ll get choked on its head!
(Aside from her obvious misunderstanding of the term “swaddle,” I especially enjoyed that she thought her Daddy could handle ingesting the doll’s body. The head, though, might be a choking hazard.)
What I love about conversations like these are the way they bring to light how easy it is to be misunderstood. Sometimes I wonder how many times a day I say something that is miscommunicated or misheard. And, I don’t just mean with my children. Language is so rich and complicated… so powerful… sometimes destructive… sometimes life-giving and affirming.
I’m a big fan of Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. In many ways, it revolutionized the way I relate to others, or at least to those with whom I’m closest. If you’re not familiar with the book, it’s a great and easy read. The premise is that there are basically five “languages” through which we can give and receive love. The five are:
Acts of service
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
This all sounds simple enough, but if you and your significant other, or you and your children, or you and your siblings/parents/etc. don’t speak the same language, all manner of misunderstanding can ensue. One failure to help around the house, a rejected hug, a few carelessly chosen words, a cancelled date, or a thoughtless gift can each be disastrous depending on the love language(s) spoken by the people involved.
I’m still learning a lot about the love languages of my immediate family and how to best love them through those languages. The Spouse’s languages are most often words of affirmation and physical touch. Conveniently, mine are quality time and gifts. It’s a perfect match 😉 … Actually, Dr. Chapman says opposite languages usually attract, so I guess it’s really a good thing.
When we first got married we didn’t know all that much about each other’s languages and we acted out of that ignorance. I was a Mass Communications major and thought I pretty much knew how to communicate. Yet, I missed thousands of opportunities to speak affirming words or give unsolicited compliments. I didn’t prioritize hand-holding and good-bye hugs. I sat in the chair when I should have joined him on the couch. Likewise, The Spouse didn’t put all that much time or thought into his gift-giving. I gently explained to him early on that, as a general rule, I would not be overly excited about computer software or Under Armour apparel come the next gift-giving holiday. I still like to bring up the card he gave me when we were dating that had chemistry vials on the front. Apparently he had picked a stack up at a pharmacy convention and stored them away for the next time he needed to drop me a line, say like on Valentine’s Day. Pure romance.
Five years into our marriage, we still mess up all the time and constantly have to work at communicating and recognizing each other’s needs based on what we know about our “languages.” But, when we’re consciously doing so, our marriage is better for it.
In the same way, I’m trying to pay attention to what languages my kids speak. Love languages have implications in every relationship. And, I’ve just recently realized that Toddler 1 is all about quality time and physical touch. It’s not enough for her to be watching her favorite show and know that I’m upstairs. She wants me (or her Daddy) to be next to her on the couch enjoying it with her. She needs that time and that touch. And, no matter how special the gifts I get her or the things I do for her, she’ll feel most loved if I take the time to just be with her.
It’s hard to learn a new language. Really hard. (Too bad there’s not a Rosetta Stone for the love languages). But, I think it’s worth the effort if it means being able to communicate better with the people you love.
Want to know your love language? Go here to find out.
Have a great day!
Leave a Reply