I found Toddler 1 scaling the stairs last night. When I walked out of her room, she was clinging to the opposite side of the railing exactly where the arrowhead is pointing, some 5-6 feet above the landing.
This incident was pretty indicative of our weekend. We’ve had a somewhat challenging few days in terms of behavior and discipline with Toddler 1. She seems to be going through a stage that, I feel certain, is some sort of patience-testing, character-building experiment for the Spouse and me. Whatever the case, when you combine her energy level, fearlessness, and willpower, the results can be overwhelming. We speak, yet she does not listen. We threaten, yet she does not waver. We discipline, yet she does not repent. And, the most frightening part of the whole discipline dilemma is that I see so much of myself in her. The strong will; the temper; the clever manipulation; the fierce determination to have the last word. She comes by it honest, and I fear a good amount of it is from my side of the tree.
Toddler 2 is also a bit high maintenance right now, but arguably less difficult to redirect. On Friday I temporarily lost her in a bookstore. While I thought we were all happily playing on the puppet stage in the children’s area, I realized she had made her get-away. My eyes darted all around the children’s section–from the train table back to the pop-up books–but she was nowhere in sight. I felt a wave of panic stirring up in me as I started calling her name and looking down the aisles. As seconds passed with still no sight or sound of her, I left Toddler 1 hiding on the stage and frantically ran off to find our eloper. Soon, I spotted a 27-inch frame and a pink hair-bow midway through the store, making a beeline straight for the door. She is a trifecta of trouble: short, fast, and quiet. And, like her sister, she is unrepentant. So, you put the two girls together, and I’m out-smarted, out-run, and easily defeated.
Long before we had our first child, I knew I would need some help with the task of parenting. While some women feel an innate sense of confidence about their ability to mother well, I was not among those. I was, and am, quick to look for resources, mentors, and experts for advice and guidance. As helpful as the childbirth classes were, I think a few child-rearing classes would be far more valuable. But, alas, no one would go because… who has the time? Once they’re born, it’s full-speed ahead with the rearing.
So, that’s where I find myself… here in the early throes of rearing. And, I was rearranging some things in our bedroom today when I noticed a theme in the stack that sits (collects dust) on my bedside table.
I’ve never before owned so many books on one topic. With the exception of Sacred Parenting (which I’ve read cover to cover), I’ve only read paragraphs here and there out of most of these because I now use books mainly for decoration. I, do, though have good intentions of one day actually reading them through in hopes of gleaning wisdom on how to better parent. I guess I feel like owning a few profound books is at least a step in the right direction. Meanwhile, here they sit. And, here I ponder how I can do this parenting thing well enough in the present, knowing that I’ll never really have enough time or memory to read all the books and learn all the right tricks.
As frustrated as I may get with Toddler 1 and her antics or Toddler 2 and her need to explore independently, I get more frustrated with my inability to parent them well. I don’t want to mess this up. All my performance anxiety and perfectionistic tendencies grab hold, and I’m just afraid of doing it all wrong. So much is at stake. And, I love them so much.
It’s a huge challenge, a bigger than life responsibility. And, I think it probably takes more than a few good books. It takes trial and error; it takes praying for wisdom and patience; it takes a sense of humor; it takes being humbled; it takes a village… or at least a community of family and friends. And, maybe most of all for me right now, it takes a willingness to say I have no idea what I’m doing, but I want to do it well because I love them and I love the God who entrusted them to me.
So, for now, when all I can tell the Spouse at the end of the day is that I have kept them both from hurting themselves or each other, I will feel a sense of accomplishment. And, some days more than others, I hope that’s enough to cut it 🙂
I love your honesty! Trust me, we all feel this way :).
Heather, thanks for the reassurance! 🙂