Fixing cranky

Sometimes I write a blog post so I’ll remember something funny the girls have said or done. Sometimes I write a post to document an outing or event. Sometimes I write one to share an update or a story. But, occasionally I write one so I can come back to it months or maybe even a year from now and see how far we’ve come in a certain area. It’s like a journal I can look back on and see areas of growth and grace. It reminds me that whatever challenges we’re dealing with today that feel persistent and overwhelming may really be brief, even small in retrospect.

Right now we’re in a season with the middle one, the Preschooler, where every day is a challenge. She’s unpredictable, often defiant, quick to anger, and altogether difficult to parent. Of course, she still has moments and sometimes hours where she’s very pleasant, cooperative and sweet-tempered. But, without notice, a simple request or something seemingly minor can turn into a tantrum or an emotional meltdown of epic proportion. And, conventional methods of discipline don’t seem to be working well at all. So, many nights both she and I go to bed worn out and frustrated, unsure how to do it better the next day.

I think she’s even aware of the nature of her demanding disposition these days. Last week she wanted to make a jack-o-lantern and insisted it have a “cranky face” {her words, not mine}. And, I’m not convinced this was coincidental.

The hives aside… For weeks now I’ve been complaining to the Spouse that this middle one is wearing me down and that we need to have some unified plan of action to “fix” her behavior. And, I do think it’s important that we consider what does or does not work well in the way we parent, discipline, and encourage each child. But, I read a quote a couple of days ago that hit me hard.  From A Praying Life by Paul Miller:

It took me seventeen years to realize I couldn’t parent on my own. It was not a great spiritual insight, just a realistic observation. If I didn’t pray deliberately and reflectively for the members of my family by name every morning, they’d kill one another. I was incapable of getting inside their hearts… But even more, I couldn’t change my self-confident heart… As I began to pray regularly for the children, he began to work in their hearts… I did my best parenting by prayer. I began to speak less to the kids and more to God. It was actually quite relaxing.  {p. 59}

{Sigh}

How I wish this wasn’t true. I’d really rather spend my energy trying to fix my child{ren}. For some strange reason, this plan of action seems easier and I therefore default to it every morning.

These wise words, though, give me renewed hope that maybe it doesn’t have to feel so overwhelming. Maybe it isn’t about reading all the right books on parenting strong-willed children or finding the perfect methods of discipline and reinforcement. Not that there isn’t a place for strategic plans and child psychology in parenting, but maybe it starts with something far simpler.

I’m ashamed I’m so reluctant to believe this. And, I’m embarrassed to admit it isn’t something I already do on a daily basis. All I know is it’s something I want to start doing now because I can’t parent on my own. And, I most certainly can’t change hearts.

But, I can pray. And, I can do so with confidence there are many more smiles to be smiled on this face.