Feeling Small

Several years ago when I was in college, I spent a summer working for my dad. Since I have no healthcare experience and get nauseous at the site of blood, I served primarily in a receptionist/front office assistant type role. Think underling.

Dad had a head nurse who I would describe as hard-working and efficient, though a little abrasive. Basically, she said exactly what she thought precisely when she thought it. This style of communication worked well for handling difficult patients, but it didn’t make her the type of nurse you’d call on for compassion or encouragement.

During my time working there, this nurse said many fascinating things, but one comment was particularly memorable. On a fairly regular basis she would say to me, “You’re like a person, only smaller.” She’d even introduce me this way: “This is Hollie. She’s like a person, only smaller.”

Now, at 5’3 inches tall, I’ve always been on the petite side. But, that’s really not all that short. So, I was never quite sure what to make of this statement. I don’t think she meant it as an insult, but yet, it never felt quite like a compliment either. It was kind of funny… and kind of not.

I’ve long since quit analyzing what that nurse was trying to communicate with her special description of me in college. But, I find a portion of that phrase creeping into my thinking in a lot of other areas more often than I wish it did.

As a self-proclaimed perfectionist, I want to do everything well. And, being impatient, I want to do it well NOW. Of course, I rarely meet my own expectations for myself, let alone those (both real and imagined) of others. And, the result is that I feel like a decent version of myself… “only smaller.”

It’s easy for us to apply this type of thinking to all of our roles regardless of physical stature.  The feeling of smallness has nothing to do with height or weight, but everything to do with comparing ourselves to others and feeling a little inadequate.

We feel proficient enough at something, but fall short of real success in our minds and hearts. We’re stuck feeling a little “less than” in ways that can translate into insecurity in our roles and maybe even uncertainty in our callings.

And, yet, this isn’t how God calls us to view ourselves OR use our time.  Yes, we’re to be humble and aware of both our sinfulness and our smallness in the grand scheme of history.  We have to acknowledge our weakness.  But, we’re never called to compare.  And, we’re never called to minimize our self-worth in light of who we are in Christ.

I’m not “like” a child of God.  I AM a child of God.  And, that truth should shape my understanding of who I am as a wife, mother, friend, blogger, etc.  

Each one of us has worth we cannot fully comprehend.  And, if the Spirit resides within us, we are called to live our lives based on the knowledge that we are not a “less than” version of our best selves, but “more than”… more than we could ever be on our own.