Defeated

Lest I ever paint too rosy of a picture on this blog about the realities of life with three young children or about my attitude in the midst of the challenges, let me just say…

Last week will go down in the books as one of my most difficult {yet} weeks in terms of parenting. Maybe it’s because we have so much going on right now between the adjustment to life with a new baby, the move {oh, the move…}, and now the busy-ness of the Christmas season. Or, maybe it has nothing to do with any of those things. But, regardless, we had a LONG week.

I am convinced that the Toddler has saved the proverbial “terrible two’s” for the third year of her life. She is fun and funny and and has the most infectious little laugh. But, if things aren’t going her way or if she gets a particular something on her mind, she will wear. you. out. And, I think I mentioned last month that she has started gagging herself at random times {presumably for attention and quite possibly because she has heard us talking about the Baby “spitting up”}. Now, I can usually handle her antics with some degree of maturity and sensibility, but this gagging thing completely unglues me.

So, one evening last week the Spouse was working late and I took the girls to Panera to share a bowl of soup. Everything was going well until someone laughed at the Toddler, thus igniting her frustration, and she began the gagging. And, this time, she kept on and on and on at it until she made herself sick and made THE BIGGEST scene I have ever made in a restaurant. I had to abruptly escort her out, but it didn’t stop there. No, she continued to gag her little self all the way to the Spouse’s workplace where I needed to pick him up, eventually throwing up all over herself and her carseat. The best part, though, is that once we got to the Spouse’s place of work I realized that I had left my phone at Panera and had no way to call and tell him that we {the screaming Toddler with the sopping wet clothes and the very frazzled mom} were outside waiting for him. Do you know how hard it is to find a pay phone these days? Fortunately, the gracious attendant at the Gas n’ Go was able to help us reach the Spouse using her phone and we were reunited in the parking lot. That, though, was just the beginning of a very long night.  

I would call the gagging episode the highlight of the week in terms of challenges. Most of the other frustrations had to do with the incessant fighting between the Preschooler and the Toddler…

The Toddler {to the Preschooler}: I hate you.
The Preschooler: No you don’t. You love me. You better say you love me right this second!
The Toddler: No, I hate you.
Me {to the Toddler}: I don’t like to hear you say the word “hate.” We don’t use that word when we’re talking about other people.
The Toddler {to the Preschooler}: I don’t like you.
The Preschooler: Well, I don’t like you.

And so forth and so on until the slapping or hair-pulling ensues…

Add to this drama the cries of a baby who needs to be fed or changed or bounced and things get a little intense.

I’m telling you. I’m not patient enough… or wise enough… or compassionate enough to deal with these situations the way I want to deal with them. So, I just react. And, over-react. These tiny people push buttons I never knew I had, and I get angrier than I ever thought possible.  So, many days it’s one vicious cycle of frustration and sometimes even despair.

I want so badly to be a good parent. But, honestly, I want it to be easier than this. I’d love it if my children were just naturally sweet-spirited, laid back little followers who eagerly shared their toys with each other and obeyed my every request. But, this is not the case. They have wills that need tempering. They have minds and hearts that need to be molded. And, they, like all young children, have tremendous potential to become wonderful, God-fearing adults… if only I don’t ruin them. If only I’m not so busy looking at something on my iPhone or returning a call or running errands or changing a diaper to notice them and their needs and to respond accordingly.

It’s a big responsibility this parenting thing. It’s huge. And, sometimes it’s all just a bit overwhelming.

So, I’ve been feeling pretty defeated… like I don’t have the energy or the stamina for the demands… like I’m always mis-prioritizing… like I’m not ever going to be able to wrap my arms around the task at hand and do it well.

But, then, I remembered something I read in Sacred Parenting… something about how parenting shapes us… and reveals much about our own hearts… Gary Thomas says this about anger:

In short, when children expose our impatience and self-centered frustration, they hold up a mirror to our hearts. Just as God’s response to his children reveals his character, so parenting reveals our character. It exposes our sin and holds up to us a clear picture of what we feel most passionate about.

That’s convicting.

And, then Thomas has this to say about persevering when it feels overwhelming:

We need to use the most wearisome aspects of parenting as the occasion for thanking God for putting up with us. When we look through this lens, we find that raising a demanding child can actually become motivation for worshipping and adoring God. No spiritually aware parent can at the same time become self-righteous. Only the most forgetful and the most blind among us can act arrogantly before God, as though he had given us a heavier burden than we had given him. Sacred parenting reminds us that no matter how difficult a child may be, we still play in the minor leagues compared to God’s great sacrifice.

Those are some hard words to read.

But, somehow, they are encouraging words. I need this reminder when I’m feeling exasperated and teetering on the verge of self-pity.

This is tough stuff.

But, it was never designed to be easy. Nothing sacred ever is…