Black suit friendship

I’ve been using some of the extra time indoors on these cold and dreary days to go through closets, pantries, and drawers and purge sweaters with holes, soups that have expired, and pens that have dried up. With all the Marie Kondo hype and it being the start of a new year, January feels like a good time to become a minimalist. But last week I came across an item in my closet I can’t part with, even though it serves no practical purpose anymore. It’s a black suit I wore one time. It’s from a store that no longer exists and is dated in its style. I don’t keep the suit because I’ll ever don it again. I keep it because it reminds me of something.

It’s the suit I wore to my Dad’s funeral in 2005. Knowing we were reeling from his unexpected passing and just trying to keep our heads above water as we made his arrangements, two friends took a day off from their jobs {an act which in and of itself was a gift}, went to the mall, and picked it out for me to wear. They’re both model height tall, maybe 5’10 and 5’11. The suit is from a petites store where no one working or shopping there is over 5’4. I remember them hilariously recounting how they felt like giants in a store focused on clothes for short people. But they got the job done. And, they didn’t just bring me a suit. They brought comic relief and comfort.

That black suit is a tangible reminder of what friendship looks like.

Maybe it’s because my oldest started middle school this year and I’m a little worried about how to guide three daughters through those murky waters, but I think a lot about friendship lately. And it seems everywhere I turn there’s another reminder of its significance. Friendship was a theme in nearly every eulogy at George H.W. Bush’s funeral. One might think that the leader of the free world would be too busy or too self-important to nurture relationships with his peers, but speaker after speaker took the microphone at his service to share how their lives had been impacted by real and enduring friendship with this man. Regardless of one’s politics, it’s hard not to be moved by grown mens’ tears over the loss of someone they knew well and loved deeply.

Just before Christmas a teacher retired from my girls’ school. I didn’t know her well, but the staff shared a sweet video tribute to her at the winter performance. The most moving part of the video was when the teacher who worked alongside her in the music department shared about their special and somewhat unlikely friendship. Despite an age difference and distinctly different personalities and teaching styles, they had forged a bond. And one could see that the affection and the friendship was genuine. In some ways, that video snippet was more poignant than the program itself.

Then, recently I read this quote by Beth Moore:

“If you’ve got a few people to love and a few who love you, a few who make you laugh, think and discuss instead of cuss, who grow you and improve you because they’re not like you, who make food taste better and life less bitter, you’re rich indeed. Only takes a few to make up for a lot.”

I want the girls to know the truth of that statement. How worth it is to find and nurture strong friendships.

I think there are some things that hinder our kids—and us—in 2019. We have phones and technology that tempt us to look down at screens more than we look up at each other. It’s easy to settle for a false sense of connection. We have a culture that encourages self-obsession and self-reliance. It’s tempting to put ourselves and our comfort first. And we’re more mobile than ever. We don’t have to stay put in one place or invest the time and effort it takes to be deep-rooted in a community. It’s easy to give up and move on.

But I think we can push back against those obstacles with some intentionality. And as I think about what I want the girls to pursue and hope for when it comes to friendship, a few things come to mind.

• It only takes a few. We are finite. Social media leads us to believe we’re capable of countless connections. Sure, we can have 700 “friends” on Facebook and 400 “followers” on Instagram, but in real life we are limited in our time, energy, and resources. Even Jesus only poured into twelve men during his earthly years of ministry. It’s not quantity but quality that creates lasting connection. Friendships worth having take time and work. We can focus on a few and pour into those.
• Friendships are fluid. Our black suit friends may change from season to season based on our location, activities, life stage, or circumstances outside our control. A best friend from preschool is unlikely to be our maid of honor {though how amazing when that does happen!}. We can love the friends in front of us, believing they have been placed in our lives in this season for a reason.
• Friendship is like a fire that has to be stoked. It requires showing up and showing interest. Asking good questions. Sending “thinking of you” notes and congratulatory cards. Being genuinely concerned about the welfare of someone else. And, like a fire, the more it gets stoked the more it thrives and warms us as well.
• We were formed for this. We can believe God created us for community and knows exactly the friends we need and those who need us. Surely it’s never too late to be a better one or pray a few into existence. I think its possible God even delights in answering our prayers for true friends—for ourselves and our children.

I feel like the first ten years of parenting benched me when it comes to being a good friend. I was in a selfish survival mode. And even now it’s so easy to get caught up in just keeping up with the daily duties and demands of family life that I forget to look up. But I want to be more mindful of what I’m modeling so our girls will have the chance to experience the kind of community I grew up knowing. In the same way I saw my parents nurture long-standing and meaningful friendships, I want our three to see us value friendship and know the joys of having friends who are like family.

A couple of years ago a dear friend of our family passed away, and we were reminded that the richest friendships stem from doing life together with a group of people. Sharing the highs and lows together, doing graduations, weddings, babies, birthdays, holidays, and even funerals together. It takes years of investment and perseverance to create that kind of community and those types of friendships and even more work to sustain them. But, it’s surely worth it.

I may let go of the black suit. But every time I think about it I will thank God for what it represents: the comfort of old friends, the ministry of new friends, and the hope of deep-spirited friends for my girls.